...And in the air, the fireflies, our only light in paradise. We'll show the world that they were wrong, and teach them all to sing along; singing Amen I, I'm alive. Amen I, I'm alive...

- Nickelback, If Everyone Cared

For All The Right Reasons Album

And I'm singing Aaa-ayyy-men, I'm alive!

William Leonidas November 12th, 2009
My only regret is that I cried so many tears while I waited for you.

"...I'll try ~ but it's so hard to believe. I'll try ~ but I can't see what you see. I'll try and try to understand the distance between the love I feel ~ the thing I fear ~ and every single dream. I can finally see it. Now I have to believe all those precious stories. All the world is made of faith ~ and trust ~ and pixie dust. So I'll try ~ because I finally believe. I'll try ~ because I can see what you see. I'll try, I'll try ~ to fly..."

Jonatha Brooke "I'll try"

Fear thou not, for I am with thee; be not dismayed, for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10

Now the word of the Lord came to me saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you..." Jeremiah 1:4-5

For Thou didst form my inward parts; Thou didst weave me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to Thee for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Thy works, and my soul knows it very well. Psalms 139:13-14

Monday March 5th, 2010

So Why Stinkerie?

It's simple, really. It's the first thing I whispered against my newborn little Dumpling's temple as I held him alone for that very first time. "There's my Little Stinkerie." And all was right with the world as I brushed my lips across his delicate dewy soft newborn-pink skin and sniffed at his sparse smattering of downy soft hair. Corny and sappy, huh? I can't help it when describing my new Little Puppy. But don't get used to it - I have been told I am "irreverent."

Anyway, it just came out and he's been Stinkerie ever since. As well as Stink Pie, Stink Pot, Stinkey Pete, Little Stinks, Stinks, Puppy, Ducky, Baby, Baby Head, Baby Head Jenkins, Jack, Jack-Jack, Jackie Boy, Jax, Snork, Snorkis, Snorkle, Billy Boy, Billy Bob, Bobby Sue, Billy-Joe-Jim-Bob, Will, Willie, Willister, and the name given by my mentor turned friend Beth - Snake. When I write to her I call him either The Snakester or Slither! And of course, Dumpling, because he is my Little Dumpling - warm and soft and comforting. It's alright to combine comfort food with baby names, right? Have you ever watched the movie Where the Heart Is? If you have, you'll know why I mention this in my defense!

Long story short, you're likely to encounter any one or more of these names in a single post. Because I can. It's my blog!

Something to Consider

Bad decisions make good stories.

Something to Think About

With any pregnancy, there are concerns. With any child, there are worries. When you have a diagnosis of Down syndrome, you know what to worry about. You know what to look for. You have a plan of action. With your typical child, there is no limit to the things that can 'go wrong' or 'happen.' There's no place to focus your worry and concerns. 'IT' will always be out there, waiting. You'll always be on guard. Even when the child is 55 and has grandchildren. With Down syndrome we have a battle plan. With Down syndrome, there is a finite number of things that can go awry. With a typical child, there's isn't. It's a crap shoot. I'm sticking with the Ds and taking the other two back to the hospital for a refund.

Head Above Water

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Maternity Clothes and the Beloved Dr S

I bought a few pieces of maternity clothing today. A few pair of shorts and some belly shirts. I haven't taken the tags off yet. That's too big of a step so far. I have yet to locate affordable belly undies so I've had to content myself with buying my usual panties in the next size up. At least it doesn't cut off my circulation at the groin. At this early stage I am already so swollen that sitting on the toity for more than a minute has my right leg going numb. Then the shooting pains and tingles start. It's really rather difficult to pee when you have to balance on a narrow seat with one leg stuck straight out in front!

I took The Youngest over to visit The Other Mommy and then set out with The Oldest for Dr S's office. I'd been telling her for a week that she and I were going on a special field trip, just she and I. She was thinking Magic Mountain or Lego Land and I kept telling her that it wasn't anything wildly fun like that, and that it was right here in town, so not to get her hopes up. It was going to be special, just not a wildly fun and exciting thing.

I pulled into the medical complex and she asked "This is where we're going? But you don't work here anymore." I say yes, we're going in to that building over there, and no I don't work here anymore. We get all the way into the doctors office waiting room and sit down. There are baby related magazines everywhere, but she still hasn't caught on. She asks a few more questions. Are you dying? No. Are you sick? No. Why are we here? You'll see in a little while.

Then a lady comes out with a long strip of ultra-sound prints. The Oldest looks at the prints and recognition sets in. She's seen these fuzzy black and white photo strips before. She turns to me all squinty eyed and proclaims, "You are sneaky! You are very, very sneaky!" But there's a smile trying to break through that accusing look!

The gal calls us in before there are any more questions from The Oldest. I drop my drawers and hop onto the table and the tech gets right to work smearing my belly with goo and sliding the probe around. I show The Oldest what to look for on the big LCD screen above the exam table, describing body parts of her newly discovered baby brother or sister. The tech puts audio up so she can hear the heartbeat with the jumping yellow line. She's looking at the screen and I am looking at her. I think she's going to cry. Her eyes are all watery and about to spill over. Instead, she lays her cheek next to mine and says simply, "Oh Mommy!"

Then Dr S comes in and he tries very hard to see the nuchal fold behind the baby's neck. He can't get it because the baby is active but will not turn to show the space. We discuss the test and I opt not to have it because the accuracy isn't that good. I'd planned on having an amnio anyway, so why wait weeks in fear for false results. I should have been alarmed that he was so intent on getting the baby to move. He repeatedly bounced the probe on my belly trying to get him to move. Then he'd go on to something else, describe what he was looking at for the The Oldest, and then go back to try to see that nuchal space again. I think my beloved Dr S already suspected that there was a secret Our Newest was hiding. He said the heart rate was just fine and that there was no immediate concern for the baby's well being. I've had only a minor weight gain. He says he wants the stitch placed within two weeks and the amnio done in four weeks. It's sooner rather than later, but he said we want to proceed with the utmost caution and he feels sooner is best. I'll be 14 1/2 weeks for the stitch, 16 1/2 weeks for the amnio.

We left with pictures of the baby and drove through McDonald's for ice cream cones. She has more questions. Does Daddy know about this? Who else knows? Are you excited? I can't believe you're pregnant Mom! I knew it! I just knew it. You lied to me! So I pull over into a parking spot and explain about losing Hannah. I tell her quite honestly that we didn't want her to know about this baby in case he or she didn't make it. She's satisfied with the answer and goes on to say several more times, "I just can't believe you're pregnant!" We went to pick up The Youngest and got home right as The Dear Daddy was getting home. Of course she was anxious to show The Dear Daddy the pictures, but she also wanted to keep our little secret from the Youngest for a little while. She was just about to bust before she got to show them to him!

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