17 Weeks, Through a Child's Eyes, and Miss Clairol

Wow! I've made it to 17 weeks already. On one hand it has taken forever to get here. On the other hand, I still cannot get my head around the idea that we are having another baby. I'm trying very hard to just be hopeful and look forward. The instant I saw that word on the pee stick those short months ago, I've just had this feeling, this secret, that I can't quite get over. I'm still not willing to say the words out loud. But it's out there. It's waiting. Now that I've had the amniocentesis, I feel as though I have a 'Date with Destiny.' And it's only day 4 of the two week countdown until results of the test.

These days I cannot undress, change clothes, shower, or even go pee without the Dear Daughter intruding on my space. She wants to know why certain things are bigger, and darker. She wants to know why my lower half is "huge Mom!" and the middle is only "a little 'huger,' " and why my face, arms and neck are still "pretty much the same." She is truly in wonder over the changes happening to my body. Today's' offering for her perusal is a faint but distinct Linea Negra. I didn't get that with my other pregnancies, but I certainly have it with this one. Does that mean a brunette and brown-eyed baby? I don't think it does, but who knows? She is constantly touching me somewhere and asking questions. It's actually kinda fun. Kinda. Until she wants to know why my butt is suddenly floppy. Or why "these" are hotter than the rest of my skin. And why my palms are bright pink. And why I'm getting "spots" on my face. And why are my moles getting darker. It goes on and on, but it is kinda fun.

At least it was until the guy at AM/PM asked me if I was spending the day with my grand kids. Last week it was the guy at Carl's Jr, then the witch at Taco Bell (she was all of 20 years old and simply aghast when I cupped my round belly and said we were having another one too!) and a few days later some lady shopping at Walden books. Dang. I must need a date with Miss Clairol. And some make up. And a spa day. And a big box of See's milk chocolate Bordeaux candies.

Overhauling the Homestead Part I

These have been very busy days. I've hired someone to help me, since I'm not allowed to do anything. I'll call her Miss Susie. So far, Miss Susie has rearranged the living room and dining room in anticipation of needing a swing and eventually a high chair to fit in these rooms. She's also helped me start on the garage. We open the big door and prop the house door open for an hour before we start so that it's not so hot and the temperature is tolerable. There's a huge pile of books, clothing, utensils, blankets and all manner of junk stacking up on the front porch. Both of The Littles are out of school for the summer now, so there's quite a bit of dissent on my decisions to toss toys they've had since The Oldest was two! I'd always thought that I'd get to those many boxes in the garage - we've been here in our new home for almost four years - but I had no idea that it would take me so long to get it done. Or that it would be a surprise pregnancy that finally spurred me on!

Miss Susie found a crate of baby linens and three crates of baby clothes. I could kick myself for getting rid of so many baby things in 17 consecutive yard sales before we moved...but really, who ever would have dreamed that we'd need baby things again? The Oldest and I sorted the clothes into piles...girl, boy, unisex. I am still scared silly, but with three days after the amniocentesis and still no complications, I feel fairly confident the The Newest is going to stick! I am actually starting to feel hopeful, and - dare I say it - excited!

And excited I should be! Miss Susie hauled the cradle out of the garage and gave it a thorough cleaning! It's in our bedroom, sparkling and waiting for a brand new layette for a brand new baby!

Post Amnio

I feel pretty good today. I've had no contractions, no spotting and the Baby is wiggly. I'm allowed to shower today, so I remove the band aid and set it aside for the baby book. If we make it. I have The Youngest's band aid in his baby book, with a tiny spot of amnion on it. I shower and pray the whole time that God will protect our baby. Again, I can't quite make myself think the actual words, so I beg God to keep him healthy.

Dr S gave us two regular ultra sound pictures plus one in 4-D. I can finally see the Baby's face in it and he looks exactly like The Youngest. Soon-To-Be-Middle. If we make it. I hate feeling this sense of dread. Crap!

Oh, The Amnio

So, again with the needles and the poking me. But first, I thought I was going to have to pick The Beloved up off the floor when he saw the scale and the flashing red numbers they revealed. Oh, the look of amazement and horrified wonder on his face could only be matched by the look of homicidal rage I returned to him. It spoke volumes. It screamed, "YOU did this to me! YOU deal with it and keep your mouth SHUT! Ya hear?" Okay, so it wasn't nearly so dramatic or violent. I meekly pointed to my ankles and calves and said, "It's all right there!" Wisely, he just smiled. In all honesty, it was a shock to me as well. Fluid or not, packing 30# onto my previously, finally sleek and slim body was a killer. I'd always been heavy. With The Oldest I'd lost weight during the first half of the pregnancy and was only 13# heavier when I delivered her. With The Youngest, Soon-To-Be-Middle, I'd lost a lot of weight and had barely caught up to my pre-pregnant weight when I delivered him. This time, starting out 70# lighter than at any other time it my adult life, plus the beautifully soft curves than only aging maturing brings, I'd finally had a pretty rockin' body!

But we're here, so we might as well get started! I get over my shock, drop my drawers and lumber up onto the table. The tech got started and then the office gal popped in to take her order for In-N-Out Burger. We put in our order too and had a good chuckle. The mood started off so light! The tech did the usual extensive scan but she wasn't nearly as chatty and informative as usual. Then she stepped outside to tell Dr S her findings. I heard her say that the ventricles looked a little dilated. Which ventricles? The heart? The brain? Then the beloved Dr S came in. He looked like he was on his last leg. He sat on the stool and hung his head over his folded arms - not an easy task for a man his size. "I am exhausted," he says. "I am so tired! How about you? How are you feeling my dear?" and again with the hand holding. Ever since Hannah, Dr S had made me feel more like his daughter than his patient. So I get right to the point and ask him which ventricles look dilated. "The brain" he says, "but let's look and see." He repeated what was already an extensive ultra sound. He had to be sure of the exact location of the Baby before poking any needles in there. He said that the heart looked fine, with a very small calcium foci not uncommon at this stage. He said the brain ventricles did measure a little dilated, as well as slight dilation to both kidneys. He asked again how far along we were and then said, "Oh of course they all look big. The ventricles start large and get smaller as the brain grows." But I wasn't really comforted by that news. His demeanor was just a little off, more than I could account for with fatigue.

Next he prepped my bulging belly for the amnio. While Dr S was scrubbing my tummy, The Beloved started making motions that he could do it if I wanted. I told Dr S that he was offering. Dr S jokingly said he'd demonstrate this time and then he could do the next patient. He even said, "In fact, you can do the next one at home. You don't even have to bother with an office visit." He explained everything he was doing and let me know he wasn't stabbing me yet, just pressing a small hollow tube against my belly to "Mark The Spot!" And then the tech started scanning again to make sure The Newest hadn't moved. And then the poke. First a huge hollow bore stylus through the skin and muscle. Not too bad. Then the first poke into my uterus. And the second. And the third. There's a lot of scar tissue on my uterus and it was very hard to puncture. The Beloved later said that he was waiting for the doctor to jump up on the table and straddle me to get his weight behind the pushing force. Let me tell you, that hurt like #$@&! And it continued to hurt. With The Youngest, it only hurt for the puncturing. With this one, it hurt long, long after. Deep, zinging electrical pain. The doc threaded the catheter in and got the fluid. Nice and clear he said. And when he pulled the stylus out I thought he was dragging my uterus and both kidneys out with it! And a few feet of intestine! Crap! That hurt! It continued to hurt for a good ten minutes and Dr S said he could see my uterus contracting, not to worry, it was normal considering he'd had to poke so many times. The Beloved stood on one side holding my hand and wiping my face, and the beloved Dr S stood on the other side holding my hand and wiping my face. There's always some way to wind up with tears in your ears.

So once I had a band aid over the spot, and my uterus finally relaxed, Dr S started scanning again. He saw no evidence of bleeding. He was focused again on the brain. I asked him to let us know if he saw the Baby's 'parts' but he said simply, "That's not what I'm concerned with right now." It really threw a wet blanket on The Beloved getting to see the baby. When he was all finished he repeated the post instructions, said it was okay to drive through In-N-Out Burger, and sent us home.

I called my good friend Bits on the way home. She knows about these things and is still one of The Few who know we are pregnant. She comforts me and by the time we get through the drive through I am able to tell The Beloved what she said and he feels a little better too. But just a little.

Once home we ate our burgers and made a call to The Other Mommy to let the kids know that Mommy and Daddy were home safe and sound. Then we took a nap, as ordered. The Beloved tucks me in. Always. I think this started when I had my stroke...but since the stroke my memory is shot, so I don't really know for sure when it started. I'm pretty sure that the first time was just after we'd gotten home from the hopspittle and I was getting into bed to nap. My right arm had been a limp dead fish that I had no control over, but was amazingly painful at all times. He'd gotten my right arm positioned 'just so' on the pillow and he covered me up. I do know that he's done it every time since. Every time. Even when we've been bickering or are unhappy with each other. And this time as he leaned in to kiss me I whispered in a tiny voice, "I'm scared." He knew. He was too. So we spooned and slept and rested our souls.

One Week Check Post Stitch

I saw the lovely and personable Dr RF today. He says the stitch appears to be just fine, but I'll spare anyone the unpleasantness and pain involved in making that determination! I'm supposed to do a fasting blood sugar before my next visit. The random blood sugar was slightly high. If this fasting sugar comes back too high I think I will flat refuse to do the two hour glucose test they will want to order. Why put myself through that misery? Both of my pregnancies with The Littles were complicated by gestational diabetes, so how can this one not be also? I say let's go right to diabetic management!

Father's Day, 16 weeks

Today is Father's Day! We certainly never thought we'd be celebrating another Father's Day with a bun in the oven, but here we are! We hung around the house relaxing, taking it easy and just enjoying The Littles. We watched movies, took naps, were lazy and laid around in a big pile of arms and legs.

And today I am 16 weeks pregnant. I think I'll be significantly less worried after the amniocentesis. I keep thinking "I'll breath easier when..." By that time we will know the baby's gender and if there are any problems, and I'll certainly be past the risk of miscarriage from the procedure. Of course I'll be devastated if the baby has health issues, but I will print and mail the announcements all the same. I am still hopeful and praying that the genetics lab will call me at home to say all is well. I'm hoping to do very little modification of the announcements. For now, all I can really do is wait.

New Worries, New Joys

Last night was rather uncomfortable "in there" and downright painful at my cervix. I'd been spotting some bright red since I left the hopspittle, but it wasn't worrisome since that happened with both of The Little's stitch placements, and the fact that I'm taking aspirin every day with this pregnancy. By afternoon today, the spotting has pretty much stopped, only to be replaced by this other sensation. I was afraid that my membranes might have ruptured. But then I found The Newest's heartbeat way up high, closer to my navel, where he/she has never been before! If my membranes had ruptured, the Baby would be down low, losing fluid, not exploring the deep end of the pool! It's always a relief to hear the thunk-thunk-thunk! And The Newest continues to kick at the intrusion of the Doppler and moves away! Little fart already, I tell ya!

Surgery

Today was a scary day, but it all went well. It was scary because there is always a risk with surgery. There is a risk specifically of losing The Baby. But, there was a guarantee of losing The Baby if I didn't have the stitch placed. And there is always a risk of rupturing the membranes. I was scared. We arrived at the hopspittle at 5:30 and then waited until 6 for OPS to actually open. Why they said to be there 30 minutes before they opened is beyond me. I got a gown. I stuffed my clothes into a bag. I got on the gurney. I was wrapped in a warming blanket. I got an IV. No less than 3 people reviewed my history. I saw the anesthesiologist, Dr P. He ordered something nasty tasting that made me groggy and I went to sleep. My case was scheduled for 7:00 am. The OR nurse woke me up when the lovely Dr RF finally said he was ready at 8:15. And I was rolled down to OR.

Let me say that Dr P rocks! He did my cesarean with The Youngest after my anesthesiology with The Oldest was botched. I was glad I was able to have him for this. It was a good sign. After pushing 100 mg of Diprivan, I was still able to carry on a conversation with him. So he gave me more. "A little sleepy," I reported. So he waited a few minutes and gave me more. "Okay," I say, "Here I go!" And I woke up in recovery. My nurse there wasn't nice, but she did give me pain meds. She did not want to give me narcotics, but the wonderful Dr P told me what I could have before I went to OR...and really, it was 1 mg for crying out loud!

There was quite a delay while several nurses tried to find the Baby's heartbeat with a pencil Doppler. No luck. They tried and tried. They could hear movement, and they thought the Baby kept bumping the Doppler, and they could see my tummy jiggle with the kicks, but they had no luck finding the heart rate. Finally someone produced a regular hand held Doppler and they let me hunt for it. (This was reminiscent of The Youngest. I found his heart beat after stitch surgery too! Again, a good sign.) I caught it for a few seconds at a time, but never long enough to hand over the ear pieces. Finally after the one nurse cupped my tummy in both hands, the other nurse was able to catch it long enough to measure it...151! "Is this baby always so active?" they ask. "Yes" I say. "And the Baby got anesthesia too." They exchange knowing looks across my exposed tummy. "How far along are you? 20 weeks?" one nurse asks. "No," I say, "15 weeks, one day." Again with the knowing looks to each other. "Well," one nurse says, "This one's going to give you a run for your money!" After that I was allowed to get dressed to go home. And get a jumbo Slurpee for my horribly sore throat!

The rest of the day saw plenty of napping, movie watching and pampering from The Beloved. Grandma Emmie stopped by and had snacks with us then dashed out to see The Fireball get his award. The Other Mommy took my camera to photo document said Fireball receiving said award. The Beloved drove all the way to the next town to Sonic to get me a jumbo grape slushie for my still very horribly sore throat. And a Sonic dog for our pitty-bull Sophie! One hurdle down, two to go!

He Who Takes the Child By the Hand...

...takes the Mother by the heart. That is a Danish proverb and it is absolutely true. And tonight in a late evening phone call, I find out from The Youngest, Soon-to-be-Middles' first grade teacher that he will be getting an award tomorrow. His first ever award. For the kid who gets suspended more frequently than Elmo says, "Ohhh, that tickles!" Notices were supposed to be sent home days ago and weren't. And I can't be there. I'll be having surgery. Crap. No, double crap. With corn in it!

So I lock myself in my bathroom for a good round of nearly hysterical, pregnancy hormone induced, life is not fair, oh the injustice of it all sobbing. My little fireball of sunshine and dynamite is getting an award and his Mommy should be there to see him get it. I think about calling The Beloved, but realise that my hysterical crying is only going to alarm him. He won't understand a word I'm saying and he will rush 90 miles at 110 miles an hour, to leave work to get to me. And the whole reason he's at work tonight is so he can be home early tomorrow to take care of me without irritating The Boss too much when he takes two days off for the amniocentesis. Bosses are like that, ya know...they expect their employees to actually show up and work. If the Dear Daddy can't be in two places at one time, I really shouldn't ask him to try for three...So there's little else to do except to continue sobbing hysterically...unless...

A few frantic phone calls later and not only will The Other Mommy be there to see the fireball beam with pride, but Grandma Emmie will be there too! Okay, so life is good again. If I can't be there to cheer on my son, he will still have his own cheer leading squad! He's already worried about The Mommy going to The Big Hopspittle to have AN OPERATION for crying out loud, and I'm worried that his obvious conclusion will be that I'm not there because I died. The Other Mommy and Grandma Emmie will be there to convince him otherwise. I will explain it to him, but he will still forget between now and tomorrow. God bless Grandma Emmie and The Other Mommy!

Pre-registration

I went to the hospital today to preregister and get my blood drawn for the stitch placement in a few days. I am extremely mindful that the last time I went through these exact same steps, it was to complete the process of saying good bye to Hannah. Before. I pray to God above that I won't have to repeat these same steps again anytime soon. Talk about 'once bitten, twice shy.'

I bought stamps yesterday, so in a show of faith, today I addressed all of the envelopes for the pregnancy announcements and put stamps and return labels on them. I played with the text a little bit, but I'm still waiting for the amnio results until I send them. No matter what that stupid gender predictor test for $29.99 + tax said.

Movement!

Tonight again I felt very hard and distinct kicking! This baby is apparently going to be a night owl. Now if I could just get over my nagging fear of miscarriage...

I went to the PHC again today and met Dr RF. The gal at Dr JF's office said he was warm, but I didn't really feel that from him. I liked Dr ER and Dr ER did NOT renew his contract. So, Dr RF will be doing my stitch. It will be June 15th...just four days away. I am his first case of the day and I'll have to be at the big hospital at 5:30 am. It's every bit as frightening as it was when I went through this same procedure with my other pregnancies to make both of The Littles stay put. I think I'm more scared now. The odds of me even being pregnant are phenomenal, and of staying pregnant to 15 weeks even more so. What are the odds that Baby and I can get through this stitch without one of us dying?

My labs were all slightly off. Not severely. Slightly. Dr RF increased my Methydopa to 500 mg three times a day. And my iron dose got increased. Crap!

Test Results

Well the gender test says it's a boy! I'll still wait for the amnio results to print the announcements.

Tonight "he" was hiding from me. It took forever to locate his heartbeat but with persistence I finally found it. I'm really puffy tonight. Even my fingers and arms are tight. I'm sure I'll feel better after I sleep for a while. I'm trying to imagine what The Newest will look like. Will he be fair and blue eyed like our son or have dark hair and eyes like our daughter?

Screaming It to the Neighbors

Tonight when we were getting home from errands, the neighbor and friend was also getting home. As I was putting the key into the front door I heard The Youngest beller to the neighbor,"Hey guess what? My Mom's having a baby!" So of course I went over to chat with her for a few minutes. She was surprised and happy for us and full of well wishes. I have to admit that it was great to finally tell someone!

Earlier this afternoon I was browsing the aol news clips and saw an ad for early gender prediction kits. I tracked one down at the local Walgreen's for $29.99 and went right out to buy it. It's a bummer that I have to use first morning pee. I want to find out right now!

The gardener was here today and started on our backyard. He'll remove all the weeds, kill all the vegetation, rototiller and take out the rickety old swing set. Then he'll fix all the sprinklers and level it. Once that's done, The Beloved will go get soil amendment so the gardener can seed the yard. I'd planned on doing this myself over the spring, but there was a change of plans with this pregnancy. Oh well...I think I can get over the idea and enjoy not doing that job! The last step in the project will be getting a new swing set. Next summer there will be 3 Littles out there playing on it!

14 weeks

Wow. 14 weeks. I keep having to constantly reassure myself that I'm still pregnant. I know I worried about miscarriage before, but I don't remember it being such a relentless fear. This starts my second trimester! I'd thought I'd tell more people after my last visit with Dr S, but now I'm pretty sure I'll wait until the dangers of the amnio are done and over with. By then I'll already have healed from the stitch placement. I've ordered and received all the printer cartridges to print the pregnancy announcements, and I've even bought the cards. All I have to get now are stamps. I even printed labels for the outside of the envelopes. They're just our return address and a pretty bunch of roses and lavender. I didn't put a baby theme on the labels like with the Littles pregnancy announcements because I don't want the recipient to know what's inside until they read it. A little drama to make up for my weeks - no months - of self imposed silence. Besides, with both of the Little's pregnancies, everyone knew we were trying to get pregnant, and this time they can share in our deep surprise. I just wish I could shake this feeling of being scared witless.

I can usually find the baby's heartbeat pretty quickly these days. He/she is still hanging out very low on my right side, just above the pubic bone. It's always a wonderful sound to hear! I just wish the stitch and amnio were over with already. I'm not so afraid of the amnio results. We will keep the baby no matter what. I'm really afraid of the possibility of miscarriage from both of those procedures. I try to reason with myself that "we" both made it through okay with both of the Little's' pregnancies. I find myself praying a lot these days.

I'm supposed to be feeling better as I enter the second trimester, but instead I'm feeling fatigued again. I think I need some exercises. And hungry! Oh boy do I wake up from naps starving! I've also seen a return for at least part of the day of those nasty headaches. Those really suck, but I find they ease significantly and sometimes go away entirely if I eat.

Tonight when The Youngest planted one of his frequent kisses on my belly he said again, "I love you baby!" I tell him that the baby loves him too. This evening he said, "I'm going to get some milk to pour down your throat so the baby can feel refreshed!" He's such a funny and sweet little boy. The Oldest still says often that she's still so surprised that I'm having another baby. I smile and say, "So am I sweetheart." The Youngest wants a baby brother but the girls of the house are rooting for pink!

I just wish I weren't still so scared witless.

Anniversary

Today The Beloved and I celebrate our 23rd year together. Wow. It's been a an amazing journey, and to be honest, we are both still reeling from this latest adventure we find ourselves on. We're still walking on eggshells. Ordinarily we'd get a sitter for The Littles, but The Oldest has a new passion for crab legs and will do anything to get them. So we packed all up and trekked out to Red Lobster with the kids in tow. The Beloved asked quietly, "Is it okay for you eat sea food? You know, with the baby in there?" It's progress.

More Spotting, More Devotions, and a Date

I spotted the day after my last ultrasound and again yesterday morning. I was extremely anxious to get the kids off to school and get home so that I could stretch out on the couch with the Doppler. It's an amazingly reassuring sound to hear that rapid thunk-thunk-thunk! I spoke with Dr S and assured him that there was no cramping or pain. He said to use my judgment about going to the hopspittle or not. He scheduled me for the amniocentesis on June 24th.

The Youngest has taken to kissing my tummy quite often and patting it with his small hands. One morning he announced that he wanted to "Sing a cheerful song to the baby!" So he did! Later in the evening I felt a distinct hard kick! Amazing and wonderful!