...And in the air, the fireflies, our only light in paradise. We'll show the world that they were wrong, and teach them all to sing along; singing Amen I, I'm alive. Amen I, I'm alive...

- Nickelback, If Everyone Cared

For All The Right Reasons Album

And I'm singing Aaa-ayyy-men, I'm alive!

William Leonidas November 12th, 2009
My only regret is that I cried so many tears while I waited for you.

"...I'll try ~ but it's so hard to believe. I'll try ~ but I can't see what you see. I'll try and try to understand the distance between the love I feel ~ the thing I fear ~ and every single dream. I can finally see it. Now I have to believe all those precious stories. All the world is made of faith ~ and trust ~ and pixie dust. So I'll try ~ because I finally believe. I'll try ~ because I can see what you see. I'll try, I'll try ~ to fly..."

Jonatha Brooke "I'll try"

Fear thou not, for I am with thee; be not dismayed, for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10

Now the word of the Lord came to me saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you..." Jeremiah 1:4-5

For Thou didst form my inward parts; Thou didst weave me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to Thee for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Thy works, and my soul knows it very well. Psalms 139:13-14

Monday March 5th, 2010

So Why Stinkerie?

It's simple, really. It's the first thing I whispered against my newborn little Dumpling's temple as I held him alone for that very first time. "There's my Little Stinkerie." And all was right with the world as I brushed my lips across his delicate dewy soft newborn-pink skin and sniffed at his sparse smattering of downy soft hair. Corny and sappy, huh? I can't help it when describing my new Little Puppy. But don't get used to it - I have been told I am "irreverent."

Anyway, it just came out and he's been Stinkerie ever since. As well as Stink Pie, Stink Pot, Stinkey Pete, Little Stinks, Stinks, Puppy, Ducky, Baby, Baby Head, Baby Head Jenkins, Jack, Jack-Jack, Jackie Boy, Jax, Snork, Snorkis, Snorkle, Billy Boy, Billy Bob, Bobby Sue, Billy-Joe-Jim-Bob, Will, Willie, Willister, and the name given by my mentor turned friend Beth - Snake. When I write to her I call him either The Snakester or Slither! And of course, Dumpling, because he is my Little Dumpling - warm and soft and comforting. It's alright to combine comfort food with baby names, right? Have you ever watched the movie Where the Heart Is? If you have, you'll know why I mention this in my defense!

Long story short, you're likely to encounter any one or more of these names in a single post. Because I can. It's my blog!

Something to Consider

Bad decisions make good stories.

Something to Think About

With any pregnancy, there are concerns. With any child, there are worries. When you have a diagnosis of Down syndrome, you know what to worry about. You know what to look for. You have a plan of action. With your typical child, there is no limit to the things that can 'go wrong' or 'happen.' There's no place to focus your worry and concerns. 'IT' will always be out there, waiting. You'll always be on guard. Even when the child is 55 and has grandchildren. With Down syndrome we have a battle plan. With Down syndrome, there is a finite number of things that can go awry. With a typical child, there's isn't. It's a crap shoot. I'm sticking with the Ds and taking the other two back to the hospital for a refund.

Head Above Water

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Sunday, June 7, 2009

14 weeks

Wow. 14 weeks. I keep having to constantly reassure myself that I'm still pregnant. I know I worried about miscarriage before, but I don't remember it being such a relentless fear. This starts my second trimester! I'd thought I'd tell more people after my last visit with Dr S, but now I'm pretty sure I'll wait until the dangers of the amnio are done and over with. By then I'll already have healed from the stitch placement. I've ordered and received all the printer cartridges to print the pregnancy announcements, and I've even bought the cards. All I have to get now are stamps. I even printed labels for the outside of the envelopes. They're just our return address and a pretty bunch of roses and lavender. I didn't put a baby theme on the labels like with the Littles pregnancy announcements because I don't want the recipient to know what's inside until they read it. A little drama to make up for my weeks - no months - of self imposed silence. Besides, with both of the Little's pregnancies, everyone knew we were trying to get pregnant, and this time they can share in our deep surprise. I just wish I could shake this feeling of being scared witless.

I can usually find the baby's heartbeat pretty quickly these days. He/she is still hanging out very low on my right side, just above the pubic bone. It's always a wonderful sound to hear! I just wish the stitch and amnio were over with already. I'm not so afraid of the amnio results. We will keep the baby no matter what. I'm really afraid of the possibility of miscarriage from both of those procedures. I try to reason with myself that "we" both made it through okay with both of the Little's' pregnancies. I find myself praying a lot these days.

I'm supposed to be feeling better as I enter the second trimester, but instead I'm feeling fatigued again. I think I need some exercises. And hungry! Oh boy do I wake up from naps starving! I've also seen a return for at least part of the day of those nasty headaches. Those really suck, but I find they ease significantly and sometimes go away entirely if I eat.

Tonight when The Youngest planted one of his frequent kisses on my belly he said again, "I love you baby!" I tell him that the baby loves him too. This evening he said, "I'm going to get some milk to pour down your throat so the baby can feel refreshed!" He's such a funny and sweet little boy. The Oldest still says often that she's still so surprised that I'm having another baby. I smile and say, "So am I sweetheart." The Youngest wants a baby brother but the girls of the house are rooting for pink!

I just wish I weren't still so scared witless.

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