The nurse said that NICU would call me as soon as I could visit him there. She gave me pain meds and recommended that I try to sleep.
I must have cried myself to sleep thinking about all the things that must be going on in my tiny little baby's body that had him suddenly struggling for air. I was terrified in the way one can only be from knowing that my child, my infant, was in trouble and I could do nothing about it. I remember thinking that this was the begining of big troubles. I woke up to the phone by my bed ringing. The voice on the line introduced himself as Dr Somebody or Other and said he was William's cardiologist. His WHAT? My tiny little baby had a cardiologist? He'd done a Doppler color flow and an echocardiogram on Jack's heart. The reason for the distress he explained was that Jack has a small VSD, an opening between the ventricles, and that it was so small it would likely close within a few days. He said he was 'in house' if William had any more problems. If I had any questions I could call him. So. That was the problem. A small VSD. That was music to my ears. I could deal with a small VSD. That would likely close within a few days. That would not require surgery!
When I hung up the phone with the doctor I buzzed the nurse to take me down to NICU. She brought a wheelchair and helped me get loaded into it. Once in the NICU I had to stand at a sink and do a three minute scrub. The NICU secretary set a timer for me. It was a long three minutes. I couldn't wait to see my baby. Once done I was loaded back into the wheelchair and taken down the longest hallway of my life. Jack must be in pretty good shape, because he was farthest down at the end, the secretary explained. She stopped just outside of a diamond shaped room with stars and moons in the floor and embossed in the ceiling tiles.
A nurse was standing at a covered isolette with a pink baby inside. My Baby. My Jack. My William.
The nurse said he was due to eat in 30 minutes, that in 20 minutes I could take him out of the isolette to diaper him and then I could sit in the rocker to feed him. She explained that the cardiologist had ordered that he be bottle fed until the VSD closed. She explained that he shouldn't expend extra energy nursing until his heart was healed. She showed me how to open the little doors so I could touch him. He was once again naked except for a diaper. The nurse had snuggled him into a U-shaped roll of blankets and explained that it would help him feel secure. There was an IV tubing coming from under wrapping on his right hand. I could see the hub sticking out and noticed the IV pump for the first time.
He had a tiny little cannula in his nose, and EKG patches on his tiny chest. An SpO2 probe was wrapped around his tiny foot and glowed red.
There was a minuscule blood pressure cuff on his bitsy little arm. I looked at the monitor. His vital signs were all good, the nurse said. He'd stabilized, she said. While I stood there stroking his hand with my thumb, his fingers tightly wrapped around mine, the nurse explained that his oxygen had been reduced to .5L, so if he did well with his next feeding, he would likely stay off oxygen. She pulled a chair up to his isolette so I could sit by him while holding his hand. His tiny little hand. I asked if he had opened his eyes yet. No, not yet. Not since she'd admitted him to the NICU, and she'd been at his side continually.
When the 20 minutes had passed, the nurse showed me how to raise the lid on the isolette so I could change William's diaper. Then she had me sit in the rocker on the other side while she wrapped him in a blanket and then she lifted him into my arms. She took the oxygen off but his IV was still running. She said he had to eat 35 mls. That was barely an ounce, but the doctor had calculated what he needed to eat. I finally noticed that he was getting TPN. She showed me how to keep him upright to eat. He was quite messy about the whole affair. I'm pretty sure that at least 1/4 of that ounce had ran down his chin. His cute pointy little chin. It took a long time to feed him because he kept falling asleep. When the nurse put him back into the box she said she would try to leave his oxygen off as long as he did well. I took a few more pictures to keep with me until I could have William back.
By the time he'd eaten the required amount, I was done in. The NICU nurse called my nurse and said, "Mom needs pain meds and an escort back." The NICU nurse said she'd burp Jack and put him back into his bed. My nurse arrived and gave me a pain shot. They both helped me into the chair. I was just barely able to stand because I was hurting so badly. The NICU nurse said that if I came back in exactly 3 hours, I could feed him again. I noticed as my nurse wheeled me away that Jack's isolette was decorated at the foot with a bright blue piece of paper with his name on in, thin strips of blue ribbon, and stamps of baby footprints. Sweet!
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That simple little act of kindness, that personalizing of his isolette, let me leave him for a while and still know that not only was he was being taken care of, but that he was being cared for.
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