22 Weeks and Baby Clothes

Here I am at 22 weeks. The Girlie and I sorted through the baby clothes again and started the fun task of washing, folding and putting them away. It was a fun task, but also a heart tugger. I could easily remember The Girlie when she was tiny wearing some of these things. Since her gender was a surprise, there were plenty of unisex baby items when she arrived. And of course, these same little pieces of baby magic were worn by The-Youngest, Soon-To-Be-Middle and I could easily remember his soft little squishy plump baby body nestled in them as well. Again I wonder will Jack be dark haired and olive eyed like My Girlie or blonde and blue like My Fireball? A combination of the two? Or will his Down syndrome make him look completely different than any of us. From any of us. Only time will tell.

I love him dearly already, but at the same time I am terrified of meeting him. Will I know him? Will he look so foreign to me that I won't be able to bond with him? Will he feel in his first moments of life completely abandoned by the one sacred love every newborn should be guaranteed? Or worse, will he be born with problems that send him to the NICU for weeks or even months of being too fragile for me to stroke his skin and hold him so he can feel my love? Between my fear of him and my fear for him, I am a wreck. I have no delusions that we will all have a challenging time when he arrives. I can easily envision endless doctors appointments, therapy appointments, days on end of constant stimulation of every kind. I feel up to those tasks, the things I have researched, the things I have learned will be crucial for him, the things other parents have described as the most beneficial for babies with Down syndrome. It's the unknown that is tearing me up. Will he need heart surgery within months of birth? Will he need bowel surgery within hours of birth? Will he require life support during his first hours or days...or months. And that awful nagging fear, the worst fear of all...will I know him? I think we will all be fine, but as any mother trying to envision the baby growing within, it is a huge unknown.

Grandma Emmie visited today! The Littles had barely let her get inside the door before dragging her down the hall to the nursery! She was suitably amazed! "Where did you find all this baby furniture? I thought you weren't going to buy anything!" She knew that Bits had loaned us the crib but she hadn't expected it to look so new! And then I pointed out how we'd put other pieces together from my tea room from our first home. She was the voice of enthusiasm as we recalled where those pieces had been located and how perfectly they all went together now for a new purpose. "It really looks like it all goes together! I thought maybe you'd hit a really good bargain sale or something!" My good friend is always a balm to my soul. She never visits without leaving me feeling refreshed, revitalized and renewed. She makes me feel capable. And right now, that simple thing, capable, is vital to my well being.