Today My Girlie and I went to meet My Big Sis at Babies R Us! It was so much fun! I finally felt free to buy a few things that we'll need. The nagging whispers are still there somewhere, but they are getting quieter and less upsetting. And it was really good to get to spend some time with My Big Sis! The Girlie, The Big Sis and I wandered over every inch of the store. It was really fun to watch My Girlie marvel over how tiny the baby clothes are. Of course she wanted to buy two of everything and had it been up to her we would have needed a moving van to transport the loot!
As it was, I'd already been going over my selections to make sure that I wasn't buying anything frivolous, that it was all stuff Jack would genuinely need. It really kinda sucks trying to outfit a new nursery while not earning my share of our usual household income and I'd had to tell The Girlie too many times that we couldn't get this or that yet because we couldn't quite afford it right now. Maybe later, I'd say. The solution was to let her choose between a selection of things I'd picked out. She made the final selection of bath towels and wash cloths, receiving blankets, crib sheets, this baby wash or that one? The tiny blue hair brush or the white one with bunnies on it? She even made a very deliberate decision of which water proof crib pads to buy: embossed stripes with a soft flannel top or embossed sheep which turned out to feel softer than the flannel? Sheep of course! Soft sheep! When we got to the register, My Big Sis emptied half of my loot onto the counter and while I was gobsmacked by a pyramid giant boxes of diapers, she paid for it before I even realized what she was doing! What a wonderful blessing! Soooo...we added two of the huge boxes of diapers to my loot. And I mean huge! These puppies have 264 diapers each!
A big THANK YOU to My Big Sis! Even more than the generosity of her incredible gift, it was an affirmation for me that Our New Little Baby is anticipated, will be celebrated, will be welcomed into loving arms just like any other baby. He has Down syndrome. And he is already as loved as he can be! I love you Sis!
After Babies R Us we hit a clothing shop to buy a few outfits for the Wee One. And then we went to my favorite barbecue place for a relaxing sit, happy chit chat, and the most awesome Missouri barbecued ham and beef sandwiches to be served on famous garlic toast ever! They are that good. Very little can compare to the sheer bliss that can be had when a pregnant woman gets to eat what she craves! A collective happy sigh went out at our table as we wrapped up a wonderful morning and afternoon with My Big Sis and My Girlie!
We arrived home from the valley just in time to welcome The Dear Daddy from his day at work. I surprised him with a yummy meal brought home from the restaurant - it's his favorite too! We had a relaxing evening and The Littles were happy and getting ready to settle into their beds with good night kisses and hugs and movies. The Dear Daddy always spends some time with each of them before they get their final tuck-in for the night. He was coming out of spending time with them when for some reason I fell apart.
We'd passed in the hall and I was fine, but when he reached for me I fell into his arms sobbing. Maybe I was over tired from our long day. I was certainly hormonal. Maybe it was the renewed tenderness between us. Maybe it was that my body just felt so awful all the time. Maybe it was simply that I was worn out from worrying and feeling constant dread. Maybe it was all of that. But we sat, we held each other, I sobbed and he listened. He stroked my back while I spilled my fears. He retrieved Kleenex for me when snot threatened to take over. He got a basin for me when I nearly brought up my lunch. He got me water. He'd heard me before, but I think he really understood exactly what I'd meant when I'd said that I also felt that I'd had no choice but to keep the baby. I also said that it was wearing me down to feel torn between the two of them. He held me and rocked me while I described the tormented feelings I'd been having, the fear that I wouldn't bond with the baby, the absolute terror that he would have birth defects requiring surgery. That we might still lose him yet. He listened to all of it.
Later when we were cleaning up the dinner mess he put his arms around me and swayed with me with his face in my hair. "How are we going to get through all of this?" I said we'd have to take it as it came. We stood that way for a long time. He said "we."
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