...And in the air, the fireflies, our only light in paradise. We'll show the world that they were wrong, and teach them all to sing along; singing Amen I, I'm alive. Amen I, I'm alive...

- Nickelback, If Everyone Cared

For All The Right Reasons Album

And I'm singing Aaa-ayyy-men, I'm alive!

William Leonidas November 12th, 2009
My only regret is that I cried so many tears while I waited for you.

"...I'll try ~ but it's so hard to believe. I'll try ~ but I can't see what you see. I'll try and try to understand the distance between the love I feel ~ the thing I fear ~ and every single dream. I can finally see it. Now I have to believe all those precious stories. All the world is made of faith ~ and trust ~ and pixie dust. So I'll try ~ because I finally believe. I'll try ~ because I can see what you see. I'll try, I'll try ~ to fly..."

Jonatha Brooke "I'll try"

Fear thou not, for I am with thee; be not dismayed, for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10

Now the word of the Lord came to me saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you..." Jeremiah 1:4-5

For Thou didst form my inward parts; Thou didst weave me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to Thee for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Thy works, and my soul knows it very well. Psalms 139:13-14

Monday March 5th, 2010

So Why Stinkerie?

It's simple, really. It's the first thing I whispered against my newborn little Dumpling's temple as I held him alone for that very first time. "There's my Little Stinkerie." And all was right with the world as I brushed my lips across his delicate dewy soft newborn-pink skin and sniffed at his sparse smattering of downy soft hair. Corny and sappy, huh? I can't help it when describing my new Little Puppy. But don't get used to it - I have been told I am "irreverent."

Anyway, it just came out and he's been Stinkerie ever since. As well as Stink Pie, Stink Pot, Stinkey Pete, Little Stinks, Stinks, Puppy, Ducky, Baby, Baby Head, Baby Head Jenkins, Jack, Jack-Jack, Jackie Boy, Jax, Snork, Snorkis, Snorkle, Billy Boy, Billy Bob, Bobby Sue, Billy-Joe-Jim-Bob, Will, Willie, Willister, and the name given by my mentor turned friend Beth - Snake. When I write to her I call him either The Snakester or Slither! And of course, Dumpling, because he is my Little Dumpling - warm and soft and comforting. It's alright to combine comfort food with baby names, right? Have you ever watched the movie Where the Heart Is? If you have, you'll know why I mention this in my defense!

Long story short, you're likely to encounter any one or more of these names in a single post. Because I can. It's my blog!

Something to Consider

Bad decisions make good stories.

Something to Think About

With any pregnancy, there are concerns. With any child, there are worries. When you have a diagnosis of Down syndrome, you know what to worry about. You know what to look for. You have a plan of action. With your typical child, there is no limit to the things that can 'go wrong' or 'happen.' There's no place to focus your worry and concerns. 'IT' will always be out there, waiting. You'll always be on guard. Even when the child is 55 and has grandchildren. With Down syndrome we have a battle plan. With Down syndrome, there is a finite number of things that can go awry. With a typical child, there's isn't. It's a crap shoot. I'm sticking with the Ds and taking the other two back to the hospital for a refund.

Head Above Water

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Friday, June 11, 2010


Every now and then, something still takes me aback. Today it was packing My Li'l Pup's diaper bag and packing a separate one for me. As in a purse. An actual purse. A non-diaper toting vessel designed for all things not baby related. Something a grown woman carries.

Let me explain. It's no news that Jack was a surprise baby. I was just getting my head around the fact that we were indeed having another baby when, low and behold, we were bringing him home. Another newborn. Another baby! And a few weeks later I was standing at the sink washing baby bottles when a few of the brain cells stunned into silence by the positive pregnancy test suddenly woke up and sprang to life! It just hit me. I'm washing baby bottles. Baby Bottles! Do you hear me? Are you listening? My brain was shouting to myself! B-A-B-Y B-O-T-T-L-E-S! For my baby. Not a grand baby or a friend's baby. My baby. At my age. It was surreal. But still good once I shook off the shock and picked my jaw up off the floor.

So this afternoon I am taking all 3 of the Squees over to The Other Mommy's. (BTW, I am not misspelling squeeze. It's Squee. As in little person. Plural of little person.) The Olders are having their fun special time with her, and Jack is tagging along so that The Beloved and I can have another go at our anniversary dinner sans Squees. Then on Saturday night I am going back to work. But I already warned The Other Mommy that I will likely be compelled, driven, to pick up Jack Saturday morning and return him to her on the way to work. She fully expects that either The Beloved and/or I will show up after dinner tonight to collect him.

So back to this story. I get side tracked easily, no? This was just another one of those times when WHAM-O I was gobsmacked by the fact that we have another BABY! And it's not in a bad way by any means. It's like finding the best birthday present you've ever gotten in your life, then forgetting about it briefly while you open other wonderful gifts, and then going back to that totally awesome present you opened a few minutes ago. It's really not a bad thing at all. Maybe like waking up to find that the wonderful dream you were having wasn't a dream after all, and you are really living it. Only it's better than the dream. But it still knocks me off my feet every time it happens. This is my life now. And it ROCKS!

And having remembered the other times I finally was able to transition from a diaper bag full time to a purse all the time, it made my heart silly-happy to remember all the times I'd be fishing for change in the check out line, or Kleenex to wipe a nose or whatever, and out would come toys, quite frequently a screwdriver, a Little Tikes Cow, various little treasures The Girlie had stuffed into my purse, "For Mommy." I never did understand the attraction my daughter had for screw drivers as a toddler, but there was almost always one in my purse. One day Grammy was just leaving our house when I spied the familiar black and yellow handle of a Stanley Phillips head poking out of her bag. I gestured to it. She asked, "Is that yours?" I saw my purse on the table and said, "Nope. I've still got mine!" As she hugged me goodbye she whispered that she'd leave it in the mailbox. Goofy kid.

And that memory led to others. Frequently in the morning I'd wake to find several toys lined up on the edge of the coffee table. These were the treasures The Girlie had lovingly deposited into her Daddy's work shoes to take to work with him. The Dear Daddy, bleary eyed from getting up at 3 am, would shove his feet into his boots, only to have to remove them again after some sharp piece of Lego had permanently crippled his toes. Magnetic alphabet letters. Plastic Easter eggs. McDonald's Happy Meal toys. One time, she'd pulled out a whole box of wipes and stuffed them into his boots one by one. They resembled tissue paper sticking out of a gift bag. You may ask, where was I when this was going on? I don't know. I'm pretty sure it was his turn to watch her while she did that particular trick. Or maybe not. The Dear Daddy still swears, "Every night, the last thing I did was empty my boots and put them by the door. In the morning they're sitting in front of the couch, once again loaded with sharp little toys to shred my feet!" I still remind him that they were her treasures she wanted him to have. "Well it's not so much of a treasure when I pull the bloody stump that used to be my foot out of the boot to find a Barbie doll permanently impaled in my flesh!" But he says it with a big goofy grin.

And so I am rather happily looking forward to all the little delights having another baby brings. Even if the realization that we have another baby still surprises me and catches me off guard sometimes. It's still a really good surprise! And I'm going to cling to that, rather than face the fact that for the first time ever, Jack will be out of my sight for a whole night. Sniffle

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