Upon arriving home from work the other night; setting: living room, The Beloved stands behind my shoulder while reaching around to rub Willie's head while I hold him in my arms
TB: We love him, don't we?
ME: Yes.
TB: Are you glad we had him?
ME: Yes. Definitely. (Pause while Willie giggles at his Daddy) Are you?
TB: Yeah. (Pause) I'm glad we had him. He's a good baby! He's the best baby!
(And The Beloved lifts Willie over my head and goes off to play.)
Saturday morning; setting: living room, Willie is playing on the floor, The Beloved is on the couch, I'm in my glider
TB: Man! He's getting big! Look at how huge he's getting!
ME: He's not that big. He's growing, but he's still really little.
TB: No he's not! He's getting huge! Look at how long he's getting.
ME: He's still in the 1st and 3rd percentiles for height and weight.
TB: So what does that mean?
ME: Same as it did the last time I explained it. 97 male babies the same age weigh more than he does. 99 male babies the same age are longer than he is.
TB: Well, what are their weights? How long are all these other babies? I want all of their measurements before I'll believe you. Who does the measuring? Is it always the same person? And what about the scale? Is it always the same scale? Were they all measured and weighed on the same day? You don't know, do you? You talk a lot of smack but you don't have the facts to back you up! Don't listen to her, Baby Head. Your Mom's talkin' smack about you again.
ME: The only facts are that he's in the 1st and 3rd percentiles.
TB: Statistics can be skewed to show whatever the person taking the statistics wants them to show.
ME: It's not statistics, it's percentiles. You know, as in per cent? And how is Willie's growth suddenly a conspiracy to skew the facts?
TB: How should I know? Who knows what motivates these experts?
ME: Okay. Let's try this. What size does the tag say that outfit is?
TB: (Fumbling to flip Willie over and read the tag without actually picking Willie up or getting down onto the floor) Looks like...3-6 months.
ME: And how old is he?
TB: Um...10 months? Is that right? Yeah, 10 months.
ME: 10 1/2. Most babies are well into 12 month size clothing at 6 months.
TB: (Scooping Willie up from the floor) Don't listen to her, Baby Head. I don't believe any of that crap she's saying! C'mon Baby Head. Let's go in the bedroom and see if we can find Sponge Bob on TV. You still like Sponge Bob, right?
(And off they go down the hallway.)
On the way home from the DSALA New Families Bar-B-Que; setting: the van
TB: Did you have fun?
ME: Yeah. It was nice to see everyone again and meet new people. Did you have fun?
TB: Yeah. I'm glad we went. Our Baby was funny. I don't think he's going to be as bad off as we were thinking (As he was thinking). A lot of those other babies were sleepy, but Our Baby was ready to go join the party!
ME: What do you mean?
TB: Well, those other babies, they just kinda wanted their Moms while you guys talked, but Our Baby wanted to join in the conversation. He wouldn't shut up! Every time any one new came over to us he got all vocal and animated and wanted them to pick him up! I think he wanted to see if they had brought him any food! Or if they would let him pull their hair!
...and later on the trip home...
TB: So how many times do we get to go to this thing before Baby Head gets kicked out? (This from the guy who refused to go with me last year)
ME: Well, we can go until he turns 3. Then we move to the Reunion Potluck held the next day.
TB: Oh! So he will graduate! Well, he's not even 1 yet, so we can go for three more years! We can still go when he's 2 1/2, right?
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