...And in the air, the fireflies, our only light in paradise. We'll show the world that they were wrong, and teach them all to sing along; singing Amen I, I'm alive. Amen I, I'm alive...

- Nickelback, If Everyone Cared

For All The Right Reasons Album

And I'm singing Aaa-ayyy-men, I'm alive!

William Leonidas November 12th, 2009
My only regret is that I cried so many tears while I waited for you.

"...I'll try ~ but it's so hard to believe. I'll try ~ but I can't see what you see. I'll try and try to understand the distance between the love I feel ~ the thing I fear ~ and every single dream. I can finally see it. Now I have to believe all those precious stories. All the world is made of faith ~ and trust ~ and pixie dust. So I'll try ~ because I finally believe. I'll try ~ because I can see what you see. I'll try, I'll try ~ to fly..."

Jonatha Brooke "I'll try"

Fear thou not, for I am with thee; be not dismayed, for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10

Now the word of the Lord came to me saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you..." Jeremiah 1:4-5

For Thou didst form my inward parts; Thou didst weave me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to Thee for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Thy works, and my soul knows it very well. Psalms 139:13-14

Monday March 5th, 2010

So Why Stinkerie?

It's simple, really. It's the first thing I whispered against my newborn little Dumpling's temple as I held him alone for that very first time. "There's my Little Stinkerie." And all was right with the world as I brushed my lips across his delicate dewy soft newborn-pink skin and sniffed at his sparse smattering of downy soft hair. Corny and sappy, huh? I can't help it when describing my new Little Puppy. But don't get used to it - I have been told I am "irreverent."

Anyway, it just came out and he's been Stinkerie ever since. As well as Stink Pie, Stink Pot, Stinkey Pete, Little Stinks, Stinks, Puppy, Ducky, Baby, Baby Head, Baby Head Jenkins, Jack, Jack-Jack, Jackie Boy, Jax, Snork, Snorkis, Snorkle, Billy Boy, Billy Bob, Bobby Sue, Billy-Joe-Jim-Bob, Will, Willie, Willister, and the name given by my mentor turned friend Beth - Snake. When I write to her I call him either The Snakester or Slither! And of course, Dumpling, because he is my Little Dumpling - warm and soft and comforting. It's alright to combine comfort food with baby names, right? Have you ever watched the movie Where the Heart Is? If you have, you'll know why I mention this in my defense!

Long story short, you're likely to encounter any one or more of these names in a single post. Because I can. It's my blog!

Something to Consider

Bad decisions make good stories.

Something to Think About

With any pregnancy, there are concerns. With any child, there are worries. When you have a diagnosis of Down syndrome, you know what to worry about. You know what to look for. You have a plan of action. With your typical child, there is no limit to the things that can 'go wrong' or 'happen.' There's no place to focus your worry and concerns. 'IT' will always be out there, waiting. You'll always be on guard. Even when the child is 55 and has grandchildren. With Down syndrome we have a battle plan. With Down syndrome, there is a finite number of things that can go awry. With a typical child, there's isn't. It's a crap shoot. I'm sticking with the Ds and taking the other two back to the hospital for a refund.

Head Above Water

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Friday, April 2, 2010

One Year Ago

One year ago today, The Beloved and I found out we were expecting a new baby. One year ago today, I finally mustered the courage to do a pee test. I couldn't bring myself to do it the day before, because April 1st 2007 was the day we found out we were expecting Hannah Marie. Hannah's life was so very brief, and yet I find myself still thinking about her and writing about her. It's as if she is still with me. And really, she always will be. And being part of me, she is of course, part of William. Sweet Little William, who is at this moment enjoying a rare snooze on his tummy, because he's only allowed to tummy snooze while I am awake and diligently watching him.

On that long ago day, My Love had asked me repeatedly what was wrong, what was on my mind, why was I so distracted? I'd placated him for as long as I could, but when The Littles were out of the room I finally had to spill. So I left the room and came back with the pee-sticks. And burst into tears of outright despair. I fell onto the couch in a sobbing heap. Life at that point was threatening to bowl me over. I won't go into all the sordid details, but I was a wreck. And pregnant. I got over the 'wreck' state and started looking forward to this new miracle growing inside me. Had I spent Hannah's entire time with me in a wrecked state, I'd forever be tormented with guilt by her eventual loss.

So it's funny to me that one year ago today, when we found ourselves 'in the family way' again, there was none of that despair. There was concern of course, but there was also wonder. Followed promptly by that silent innate knowledge that this baby was holding a secret. And that he was meant to be. Underneath all the worry, the initial distress with the Ds diagnosis, my constant nagging fear that we would lose him too...there was still wonder. And wonder is such a beautiful gift. My sweet Little Jax. I find this baby so absolutely adorable. Because he is adorable. That he is ours is just a little piece of Heaven! And I am still filled with wonder for him. I wonder when he will say "Ma-Ma-Ma" the first time. I wonder when he will walk. I wonder what he will be when he grows up. I wonder what he dreams about. I wonder what he's saying when he babbles at his toys. Yes, the world is still so filled with wonder...

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